really, i should be sleeping...

but sleeping is overrated... so why not blog instead??

it's been over 2 weeks since my little self-experiment ended... on paper, i'd say things aren't looking so great.. but when i put it in perspective, i don't see how it can be anything other than what it is..

work has been mildly hectic... as much as i love the subject, the history curriculum and everything that goes along with it is so new to me... the bonus to the situation is that for the first time in six years, i'm only teaching one thing... sure, by the end of the day, teaching the same thing is tiresome... but i will take the monotony over planning for 4 different subjects any day...

although there shouldn't be too much pressure on me since history is often called a "required elective" with the focus always on math and language arts... i'm definitely putting pressure on myself... this is due in part to the fact that i'm new to the department and yet i was asked to be the department head... i'm not sure how or why this was the case because i am the novice... but it wasn't a role that i could turn down... we're only two weeks in and i already feel behind... but i need to reel in that feeling of disappointment in myself, let go of my fear of letting down others
and accept that it's my first year at this... i'm not going to be perfect...

my original hope behind working out was that i was going to be able to do it before work because we have a later start time... but that just hasn't been the case... between morning meetings and late night insomniac attacks... well, it just hasn't happened as i'd planned... strangely enough, i miss not working out... i was really getting into spinning and it bums me out i haven't been able to stick with the classes... it makes me nervous as november and the turkey trot get closer and closer.. i'd really like to get back on it.. so, of course, now i'm sick... i guess i'll just burn through this little cold i've developed and do what i can to get back on the bike...

school, school, school... ugh... i'm as bad as my students... and part of the problem is that i'm just not motivated by my classes... if i was paying for my own classes, i'd change from the master's program and go for another credential in history... but i don't feel like i can do that to my parents who have been so generous to pay for my schooling... so i will just suck it up and do what i have to do... it's just going to be a bumpy road...

the man and i have decided to get on the train headed to soberville... this has been a lesson in both what is easy and what is a true challenge... on the one hand, i'd already done this before, so i was fairly comfortable with starting over... plus, there is the added bonus of having someone to go through the process with.. it helps keep you in check... but it's also what makes it hard... the bottom line is drinking is fun... and damn, did we have a lot of fun doing it... but it was good to recognize that it was getting out of control and something had to be done... i can't promise myself that we'll never drink again ever... but i think we'll be smarter about it the next time we cross that bridge...

i must admit... something has taken a real dump on my social life... if i attempt to nail down what that "something" might be... well, i think it might be any number of factors... for one, i have no money... i am thankful i have a job when so many do not.. but living paycheck to paycheck has not been easy... i have gained a new appreciation for our public transportation system, for my papazon (sp) chair, and for my nintendo ds... there have been days where i get to work on fumes and a prayer... rice and frozen waffles are my new favorite dishes.... but i'm not complaining, as much as it might sound like i am... i'm glad i have to go through this because something has to force me to get my financial situation figured out...

i can't talk social life without talking social networking... i am back on facebook, but my posting is not nearly what it was before... i just don't have anything interesting to say... so i'm not going to post just to post... which is why i haven't been on twitter at all... what i am finding myself doing is checking my facebook almost as frequently as before, but just not writing much on my own profile... soon, i feel i may have to revisit regulating myself... but what i have going right now is an
improvement from where i was two months ago, so i'll relish in this success for now...

...and so life may not be perfect... but it is what it is...

so close, i can taste it...

as my period of exile is nearing its end, i realize it may be a good time to do some reflecting on the process i've been putting myself through..

to rewind, the ball that got this whole thing rolling was a duo of events that occurred at the very beginning of my summer break; first was the "award" i won at our final staff meeting of the year.. and award for being the most likely to post on facebook.. next, came the discovery that i had reached 999 tweets.. that may not seem like much, but when i had only opened up my twitter account this year.. well, to me, 999 was out of line..

something had to change.. i didn't want to spend my vacation on my computer or iphone updating my status every 5 minutes.. it's not like i had anything interesting to say that frequently.. or that anyone else did, for that matter... i needed to change my behaviors and soon decided it wasn't just my social networking addiction that needed an adjustment..

i used this opportunity to jump start myself into a new direction.. i'm 32 years old.. i've been through enough and i've learned a lot along the way.. but nobody is perfect and it takes self-reflection combined with a little self-acceptance to realize that..

i came up with 5 life goals to try and achieve in 42 days.. because 1000 hours (to go along with my 1000 tweet) equals just about that many days.. the big 5 were:

1. no tweeting or facebooking
2. become a gym rat
3. get back into therapy
4. read, read, read...
5. no alcohol, no cigarettes...

let's get to business on this..

no tweeting or facebooking

my reasons for choosing this as my first goal are outlined pretty well up above.. it was getting out of control how often i was doing both of these things... i needed to reel myself in because i was starting to embarrass myself.. and like i said.. i didn't have anything interesting to say and, really, neither did very many others..

in the beginning, this was hard because it was cold turkey and nothing is easy to quit cold turkey.. as with most things you're trying to get over, it got much easier with time.. i was able to go through many days without thinking about what was going on in the world of twitter/GB.. gradually, days turned into weeks..

eventually, i slipped.. i haven't posted anything.. wait, that's a lie.. i did make a comment on the man's status update one time... it was too hard to resist... but that's been it.. i've just been going through people's pages, seeing what they're up to..

how do i feel now? let's just say that i'm learning during my days as a creeper that not much has changed.. people are still taking themselves way too seriously.. but i just have to accept that this is how they are.. they want to tell the world they are eating tacos, hate their jobs, want health care reform.. whatever it may be.. the reasons why they make these posts are their own and i have a choice to either ignore it or make a comment about it.. i can say that from now on, my posts won't be like that.. often times, it's just posting to post... and, honestly, nobody else cares.. usually, that includes me..

social networking has become something we hide behind so we don't have to develop genuine relationships with people for whatever reason.. usually because we don't want to get hurt or disappointed by them.. so its easier to keep them a computer's distance away.. when i first joined FB a couple years ago, i did it because i wanted to catch up with old friends i hadn't seen in years.. but they were old friends i hadn't seen in years for a reason.. now i have plenty of new friends in the FB mix as well.. but of those 100+ FB friends, how many do i honestly talk to with any regularity? barely a handful.. not because i'm a bitch or want to isolate myself or don't "need" them.. i just have found that there are few people i can relate to and can deal with beyond the superficial conversation and who i know i can come to with anything without fear of rejection or betrayal..

what happens next? i can say there won't be this great surge of twitter/FB action coming from me.. but i will be on there a lot less frequently than before.. i really need to be keeping my focus on more important things, like my job and my masters and my friends and my family.. speaking of school... i am going to be doing a research paper on social networking.. be on the look-out for a questionnaire.. if we're still friends ;-)

become a gym rat

i originally chose this as a goal because i will be doing the turkey trot with my brother and dad in november.. for me, it was never about losing weight.. it was about being in better shape and if i lost weight in the process, then go me..

surprisingly, this was much easier than i expected.. i HATE the gym... but what it took was finding something i liked.. which ended up being spin classes.. the time seems to fly and by the end, i am dripping with sweat... i've gotten into the habit of going about 5 days a week.. work starts back again tomorrow and i can't see it being difficult to keep up with this... mostly because i do enjoy the classes.. what i'm really going to have to work on is going to be earlier.. this is so hard for me because i have a very shitty relationship with sleep.. but i think with school and work, it will be easier once i get a routine down.. and no.. i haven't lost weight.. but i can feel a change in my health, and that's all i asked of myself..

get back into therapy

during the last six weeks, i've gone to therapy about 4 times.. but i've also gotten in about 6 "anon" meetings.. therapy was something i wanted to get back into because i needed to put my mental health in check.. i knew that since i'd started therapy about 2 years ago, i had definitely changed for the better.. but i was a work-in-progress.. the thing is, i always will be.. there is no cure for being me.. and that's something i need to accept..

i'm in debate right now if i will continue with this one.. i obviously haven't learned all there is to learn about myself and who i am.. i just don't know how much i'm getting out of these sessions.. don't get me wrong, they have helped me a great deal along the way.. but in this moment, right now, i'm not sure how they are helping me.. because i'm always going to do what i feel is best for me and if it turns out to be a mistake, then i better damn well learn something from it.. i just don't think i need someone else telling me what that something is.. nor do i really care why i make these choices.. my past is my past for a reason and if i didn't get something out of an experience in the moments it happened, what's dwelling on it going to do??

further, there are things about myself i don't want to change because it's who i am.. i am a good person with a kind heart who cares greatly for the people in my life.. i don't want to change that.. but i do feel like therapy has given me some tools to no longer make some of the crappy choices i used to make.. i'm doing a lot better with taking care of me just as much as i take care of the people i love...

read, read, read

i will never understand why i had so much trouble with this... i love to read.. i can't be too hard on myself, though.. in 6 weeks, i read two books.. for a lot of people, that's more than they read in 6 months.. so i have to be proud of that.. i wish i could say i will continue to work on this.. but classes have started again and i have a totally new curriculum to teach this year.. i'm going to have to revisit this one over the next break..

no alcohol, no cigarettes

this was a goal for more than obvious reasons.. i know if i didn't do something to curb my drinking, i'd be on the road to alcoholic-ville.. and smoking is just gross... i can't even believe i started in the first place.. which was way back in high school.. the thing is, i had always been a social smoker and hardly ever bought myself a pack.. but i started to notice that since the beginning of the year, i was smoking more and more until i was up to about a pack every two days.. i know most of you were surprised by this because i never did it around people i knew didn't smoke.. mostly because it was a gross habit i wasn't exactly proud of..

i wouldn't say EPIC FAIL on this.. but it certainly wasn't awesome.. what didn't help is that there are certain things that i just didn't want to give up.. namely, founder's hour at the goathill.. the smoking is completely done i can say with almost 100% certainty... as for the drinking... i think it's been relegated to once a week.. but i make no promises.. what i can say is that hard alcohol and i will be having a "special occasion" type relationship.. that special occasion being i'm not going anywhere and i have someone i trust to make sure i keep my shit together... that's all i can ask of myself for right now.. if i start having a problem, i have to trust the important people in my life to know that it's okay to pull me aside and slap me around a bit.. not in the good way.. in the "pull it together, woman" kind of way... and i have to trust myself to listen to them when they do..

you may be asking yourself if i wasn't on the internet and i wasn't out drinking and i wasn't exactly reading.. where the hell have i been the last 6 weeks??

you may, in fact, have the answer.. or at least think you do.. and i can guess without much doubt that you would be wrong.. the truth is, i have no money. <-- notice the period and not the ellipses.. if i haven't been in the gym or sleeping or in therapy or at a meeting or at founder's hour.. i've been at home, twiddling my goddamn thumbs because i'm too broke to do anything.. let me put this into perspective for you.. on more than one occasion, i had nothing more than fumes in my gas tank for longer than a day.. on more than one occasion, i took a nap because there was nothing better to do that was free... on more than one occasion, i didn't respond to a text or phone call or email because i didn't want to say i didn't have the cash to go out because it sounds like such a shitty excuse.. even if it is the truth..

coming to a close..

the weekend is only a few hours away from being over, so i guess i better update...

in many ways, the weekend has been fairly mellow.. mostly because i am a broke joke with about $10 in the bank.. and i'm going to need that for gas this week if i'm going to get into the gym at all.. i did get the opportunity to see legally blonde opening night friday.. the show was so amazing.. i really didn't expect a whole lot because while the movie was fun, i couldn't imagine how it would translate into a musical.. but the producers did a great job with the transition.. speaking of.. thanks to hal, one of the producers, who gave the tickets (which included entrance into the "after party" at social) to a friend (thanks, chris) who then extended to offer to attend to me... anyway, it was a last minute thing and i'm really grateful i was able to go...

let's do this..

i've been holding fast to the no Twitter/FB.. i need to get on there to make a few changes.. but it's really not the end of the world, so they can wait.. and if i feel they really need to happen, i'll just get a friend to do it for me.. i've actually toyed with the idea of getting rid of both accounts all together.. maybe i'm running away from things i don't want to see.. maybe i'm just over it.. i'm not really sure.. but i have some time to think about it.. i'll see how i feel once this process is complete..

been doing well with the gym.. i'm realizing how much easier it's getting on the machines... i'm not as winded as i was 3 weeks ago.. which i guess is the point.. especially since i don't really see myself losing any weight.. but since i'm doing this mostly so i have a good showing at the turkey trot in november and not necessarily to shed pounds.. well then, i'm doing good.. i am finding that i'm waking up later and later.. which sounds great in theory.. but it's always hard to get back into an early routine once school starts... so i need to get back on the ball with that...

no therapy and no meetings.. i'm supposed to see my dr on tuesday, but i seriously have no money.. i may have to see if i can reschedule for later in the week, after i get paid.. i really don't want to blow it off totally.. which i may have to do with the meeting this week because i don't think i have the gas to get there or extra cash for the basket.. but i may make it work.. i'll have to see..

i give myself a "D" on the drinking and smoking.. i shared a bottle of wine with chris before the show and then had a "legally blondetini" at the after party (it was an open bar and really, a drink named "legally blondetini"?? i HAD to do it)... as for smoking.. i finished my latest pack on thursday... but god dammit if i don't really want one right now.. but i can't do it.. on this, i'm glad i have no money..

and finally, reading.. when it rains, it pours on this.. so i haven't been reading steadily this entire time.. but then i pick up a book last night and finish it this morning.. **throws hands in the air** whatcha gonna do??

i feel like this is going to be a long week... i'm not really ready to get it started... this is the time when i wish i had work because i need the distraction..

le sigh...

the middle of the road...

depending on how you look at it, this hasn't been exactly my strongest week... which is really disappointing because i started off so well.. but old habits really are hard to break and when you had a certain rhythm going in your life.. well, it's easy to fall back into it...

the goal i've really been doing well at working towards is the no FB/Twitter... my fear is that once the 42 days is up, i'm going to dive head first into it again... but there is still so much time left in this process, i'm hoping that i will eventually reach a point of not needing it at all... this is a pretty ambitious desire because it's such a time waster and there's time in the day to waste... but i've been how many days without it now and i'm still alive.. obviously, it's not a necessity.. i need to think about the things that are, like friends and family.. work and school.. these are the things i need to focus on, not social networking on a site where people (including myself) take themselves WAY TOO seriously..

on the flip side... the goal i failed miserably at is the no drinking, no smoking.. i don't really have much to say to this.. i didn't drink until i was drunk.. just two ciders at the goat.. i always said god gave me two hands for a reason.. one for my beer, one for my smoke.. so it's easy to see why when i faltered at one, it was inevitable i would on the other.. what can i do? quitting cold turkey isn't easy.. people do it all the time and probably feel the same way.. i was bound to slip up.. and i probably will again.. but i can't beat myself up for it.. it really serves no purpose..

i went to a meeting last night.. i actually felt really good once i left.. it was the first time i went to one and actually felt connected to the other people in the room.. what most of them had to say, i'd been feeling... although the meetings are addiction specific, the themes are the same across the board and are ones that i've lived through all my life.. being an enabler.. being a caregiver.. being a fixer.. there are certain things i don't want to change for myself.. i will always be the person my friends and family can depend on when they are in need.. but i can't be the one to fix it for them anymore.. which is the role i always tried to play.. without them asking me to do it.. which is the key idea.. sometimes people need to figure it out for themselves.. i can't always be the one to clean up the mess, especially when people aren't asking me to do it for them anyway..

there are two big concepts i'm picking up from these meetings.. letting go of the need to fix all the problems of the world so that everybody is always happy... and living one day at a time.. i can readily say that i'm the person who thinks about things on the larger scale.. the "down the road" timeline.. and i'm missing things happening now.. focusing too much on what happened yesterday and what could happen tomorrow is stopping me from enjoying today.. there is something to be said for learning from your past mistakes and planning ahead for some things is just smart thinking.. but not so much so that it's stopping you from enjoying the moment... and especially not on the things that are going to change as each day passes anyway..

i don't know what my problem is with the reading thing.. i just can't get it together.. which is funny because when i was talking about this with my mom, she was surprised i was having such difficulty with this as well.. but i just can't seem to get myself to do it.. we're back on our mini book club with the zinn novel, which i suggested mostly to force myself to read this novel.. and it's a really good novel.. i don't know what my problem is...

getting myself into the gym has been going well... i find myself doing about 1:20 of cardio and burning anywhere between 500 and 600 calories.. i didn't go yesterday because i really wasn't feeling well (although i recognize that i might have felt better had i gone).. in honesty, i didn't want to go today.. but i had (mistakenly) mentioned meeting my dad at the gym and he actually **gasp** took me up on it.. so this could be scary.. what i'd like to do is be in the gym about 5/7 days a week.. so if i miss one day (like yesterday), i have a window where i can make the time up..

the week itself has been good.. tuesday was great.. reunion dinner with friends from high school.. the four of us hadn't gotten together in YEARS.. it was great to play catch up.. hear about their families.. reminisce about the trouble we used to cause.. met up with the man for our usual tuesday goathill night.. we had a very, very poor showing at the shuffleboard table.. 2-15.. embarrassing.. i blame the fact that we didn't get there earlier (we usually are the first ones at the table and play against each other for a bit before we're ever challenged) and that we'd gone on hiatus from the tuesday night ritual for a couple weeks.. we were rusty... but next time.. watch out..

yeah, well..

i fell off the marlboro wagon..

whatcha gonna do??

plateau weekend 1.0

the only reason why i say version 1.0 is because chances are.. it may happen again.. i feel kind of like i should be at my most productive during the week because weekends are supposed to be about rest and relaxation and hanging out... it seems the prime time to get used to the idea that i won't always be working on each goal individually on a daily basis.. mostly because i don't have to...

i still havent' been on facebook or twitter.. there have been a couple times where i had this urge.. but i've been conscience of it and have actually listened to my inner voice telling me i'm okay without it..

same goes for drinking and smoking... but damn, this one is hard... when you're around your friends and it would be so easy to just have a sip or take a drag.. but i have to remember why i'm doing this.. part as a challenge to myself to see if i have the willpower to resist temptation.. and part because i really do want to lead a healthier life.. not just of mind and body.. but of spirit, too...

i didn't hit the gym at all.. but i had every intention of doing so.. my alarm was even set to wake up at 530.. i just slept right through it.. so what can i do if the thought was there? i guess i could have gone later.. but i prefer to go in the morning... i'm trying to build the habit of going early so i will be ready when the school year starts to go before class.. waking up early is not easy for someone with sleep issues.. but i will conquer this before the summer is over...

no meetings or therapy... again.. the intention was there.. but, to be honest, i chose to be selfish instead.. more on that later...

i read only a little again this weekend.. mostly a book i picked up at my last meeting.. i read the first part of that a couple times.. it was pretty enlightening.. but also a bit sad mixed with depressing... it's difficult to admit to yourself that you are powerless over something when your whole life, you've worked to control what's around you... and when your powerless over something that hurts the people you love.. accepting that isn't easy either when your life tend to revolve around making others happy.. but i'm willing to accept these new revelations and i think that's the first step.. literally.

i believe having these goals for this summer has been great for me.. but i can't forget that life doesn't revolve around them... that's why i do have to take time to be selfish, to do something for myself with the people i care about...

which i did a lot of this weekend... friday, the man and i met up with a friend i hadn't seen since the beginning of college, him since thanksgiving a few years ago.. sometimes it's nice to catch up with the people from your past.. see what the people you used to be friends with as a young adult are up to now that they are really adults.. it was a blend of funny and surprising.. i felt bad for his lovely wife who was subjected to these stories about people she doesn't really know.. i always hate that, being the one on the outside.. but i do hope spending time with this couple happens more often, even if there is distance.. there are certain friendships you want to hold on to.. i think this is one of them...

saturday was bitches do brunch.. i love this event.. a bunch of ladies drinking and eating and gossiping.. it was baby pax's big day as everyone wanted a piece of him.. and it was also a celebration of ginger who just got herself hitched.. times of celebration are always great, but it was also difficult for me.. the last time i went to this event, i drank.. a lot.. this time, not so much.. but i really, REALLY wanted to... i kept myself busy with eating instead, which wasn't the best idea either since it was a gluten-heavy menu.. but i'll take a stomach full of gluten over one full of vodka... it seemed to be the lesser of two evils..

yesterday was an amazing morning with mom.. it's a rarity we get to have a girl's day.. it was wonderful..

today starts a new week.. i'm learning to live day by day.. taking each one as it comes.. focus less on the future and more on the now.. i've always been the one to want to think ahead before i consider any option.. but i'm working on slowing it down..

and i'm liking where this is headed...

under construction...

... vacation edition..

well.. i guess i wasn't really on a vacation.. but i wasn't in long beach dealing with stuff.. so to me, that's a vacation...

here goes...


1. Twitter/Facebook exile:

did really well on this... which says a lot because there were many moments during this conference where i wanted to log on... but i didn't, mostly because i had friends to text instead.. i did log in one time, but did what i had done before and covered the screen so i could only access the part i wanted to see at that moment... i was looking to see if someone had sent me a message and when i saw they hadn't, i immediately logged off.. that was a challenge because i had friend requests.. those people will have to wait to see if they are awesome enough to be accepted or not..

what i'm learning from this process is that i was depending too much on social networking.. cutting this out of my life is forcing me to get out and do things.. actually connect with people on a personal level rather than through the computer... don't get me wrong... i'd always spent time with my friends outside of cyberspace.. but there are so many superficial relationships that are developed through sites like FB and Twitter and MySpace.. i'm finding i don't miss those relationships.. mostly because i never really needed them in the first place.. the people i actually spend time with in the real world are the people i choose to have in my life because they add to it.. cyber-friendships don't add anything.. what they actually do is subtract time from my day when i could be doing things that are far more productive..

those close to me may argue that i'm not changing much if i'm still relying on texting instead of actually calling people on the phone.. but to ask me to stop texting is tantamount to asking me to cut off my right arm or jump in front of a fast moving train.. not going to happen...

my goal with this is not to get rid of my accounts totally.. but definitely get myself into the habit of using them exponentially less frequently than i had before this process began.. and i feel strong that i will be able to do that..

2. transforming into a gym rat

to the detriment of spending time with my team, i did well with this also.. when they were at cheesecake factory, i was at the gym.. but i was on that treadmill thinking about that flourless chocolate cake, let me assure you!! so of the five days i was gone, i went to the gym three.. they weren't my best workouts.. but they were something.. and far more than what i would have been doing two weeks ago...

3. operation clear my head

again, no therapy this week mostly because i was out of town.. and i don't think i need to over-kill it.. but on the nights i didn't go to the gym, i was at a meeting and that made me happy...

although i've only been going to these meetings a short time, i can predict i will be getting a lot out of them... i needed to do some self-evaluation to be sure i was doing this for the right reasons.. there is a very small percentage of my inner dialogue still saying i may be doing this for the wrong ones.. but the larger fraction is winning out, knowing i am doing this for me.. because it's what i need to be healthy.. i'm actually excited about going to meetings, connecting to people with similar stories.. yeah, it gets hard sometimes because the stories are so hard to listen to or the people are the type i wouldn't connect with outside of this venue.. but to be surrounded by people with a common struggle.. it's a comforting feeling...

4. read much?

meh.. i read some, but definitely not enough.. however, i'm not going to beat myself up about it.. if i at least have finished one of my books by the end of this process, i will have reached my goal for this step...

5. the clean life

i got nothing.. and i'm glad... but tonight will be a test because i again will be with friends and i don't want people to think they have to change because i'm trying to change.. so we'll see..

overall, i had a good week.. i am always excited to leave my city for awhile.. but always just as excited to be back by the week's end.. i'm looking forward to the great weekend full of friends and family... meetings and gyms... love and life..

time to close.. i have to wash the san diego air off me and make sure mr. bojangles isn't ill.. he's being too nice.

OUCH.. oh wait..